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8 SIMPLE RULES FOR STRAIGHT YOUNG MEN You may run into them at school, at work, or in your neighborhood. Like it or not, chances are that at some point you’re going to learn that one or more of your friends, classmates, or acquaintances is gay. Being straight, you will likely have some misconceptions or misunderstandings about what it means when somebody in your social circles is gay, and that is why I am writing this essay — to help you understand what to do and what not to do, and to arm you with information that will help you see through uninformed, illogical fears. There is one rule that I believe to be extremely important — far more important than the rest — so I’m going to lead off with it …
Rule #1. The word “gay” is NOT to be used as an adjective to describe things you dislike. Many dictionaries provide three different definitions for the word “gay.” One of these is a noun, which refers directly to people who are gay; for example, the phrase “gays and lesbians” uses this meaning of the word. The other two meanings of the word are adjectives; one of these means “happy” or “fun,” as in the phrase “have a gay old time at the prom.” The other meaning is used to describe persons who are homosexual, or things that directly relate to people who are homosexual; the phrases “gay Americans,” “gay people,” “gay rights movement,” and “gay bars” contain examples of this use. Nowhere does the dictionary say that “gay” can be used pejoratively (that is, in a manner that belittles or disparages the thing to which it refers), or that it can be used as an adjective to describe anything other than persons who are homosexual. When you use the word “gay” in that negative manner, whether you do it consciously or not, you are reinforcing the belief that there is something “wrong” with being gay — and by extension, causing people who are in fact gay to suffer even more self-hatred and social withdrawal. If a gay young man becomes so depressed from (over-)hearing your gay-negative comments that he takes his own life, his blood is on your hands — morally, you are just as responsible for his death as he is for actually having executed the plan to kill himself. You must realize that your words may have far more effect than you think, and avoid using the word “gay” to refer to things you don’t like. A corollary to this rule applies to the word “faggot,” and its derivative form “fag.” Chances are you have heard somebody who isn’t popular called that epithet in the past, but again, just because somebody else has done it doesn’t make it right. Again, let’s go to the dictionary: the modern-day word “faggot” derives from the Middle French word fagot, which is a noun referring to a bundle of wooden sticks (particularly in an arrangement for burning, as in a bonfire). It is probably because of the fact that gay people were sometimes burned at the stake in medieval times that “faggot” came to acquire its derogatory meaning as an anti-gay slur (that is to say, fagots were what was being burned to execute gay people), but again, this is a case where the common (albeit inappropriate) usage is not a correct meaning of the word. As I said a few paragraphs ago, what makes you think that it’s OK to call somebody you don’t like a “faggot”? You don’t go around calling people you don’t like “niggers” or “towel-heads” (unless you’re totally stupid and ignorant), because you know that it is wrong and anti-Christian to denigrate black people and people of Arabic descent — so why, then, do you do that to gay people? It is equally wrong and anti-Christian to denigrate gay people by using the word “faggot.” (In fact, it is equally wrong and anti-Christian to denigrate any minority group — racial, religious, sexual, or otherwise — by using anti-minority slurs in any demeaning, negative context, and if you’re wise, you’ll avoid doing that.)
Rule #2. Your gay acquaintances are not necessarily automatically interested in you just because they’re gay.
Rule #3. If a gay acquaintance tells you that he thinks you are attractive/“hot”/etc., or says he’s interested in you, even sexually, there is no reason to be offended. At the same time, it is perfectly OK to calmly and politely say, “I appreciate that you feel that way about me, but I’m sorry, I’m straight and I’m not sexually interested in you.” It is best to be polite and friendly, yet still firm, about that fact; you never know, you just might end up with a really good platonic (non-sexual) friend who, by virtue of being gay, may very well understand women better than you do! Again, I have made a perfect segue into …
Rule #4. It is totally possible to have platonic (non-sexual) friendships with gay acquaintances. As an example, I have found that I, even as a very masculine-seeming gay man, have an easier time striking up “small talk” with women than several of my straight friends. I think this has to do with the fact that I don’t feel pressure to try to look good, and I’m not deathly afraid of making an ass of myself, like a straight guy probably would be. I’m better able to relax, not get nervous, and just be myself — traits that women like — because I’m not worrying about how to make her like me back. This is just one example of how befriending gay guys can have positive effects on your pursuit of the opposite sex. You can partake in all the same activities with a gay acquaintance that you would with another straight guy. This may include, but is definitely not limited to, going to a movie with a group of friends, attending events like athletic contests at your school, or going out to dinner. You may find it a bit awkward to do some of these things if your “group” consists only of you and your gay friend — I understand that you may feel some discomfort, should other people assume that you are gay simply because you are with one other young man — so if that’s an issue, include your gay friend in a larger group of friends, and be sure to include him equally in your group’s activities. (This also holds true if he has a partner; to the same extent that you include other straight guys’ girlfriends in your plans, be sure to invite your gay friend’s partner along too.) In fact, your inclusion of your gay friend in your plans may very well be critically important for his well-being. All too often, families of gay young men react very negatively when they learn that their son/brother is gay, and they quite possibly need your support, acceptance, and affirmation far more than you realize. Let him know that even though he may have lost his family (in terms of providing that emotional support and nurturing), he’s not about to lose you as well — you can do this by simply showing through your actions that he is just as important to you as anybody else. Not only is it your gay friend’s well-being that could be at stake, it could easily be your own or that of your other straight friends. Homophobia and ostracism of gay youth at your school could end up being a motivating factor behind a murderous rampage — we already know that anti-gay taunting was one factor in the Columbine High School massacre in Colorado in 1999. Take whatever steps you can to combat homophobia, as well as ostracism or shunning of gay or lesbian students at your school; it could possibly save your life, or those of your friends.
Rule #5. No matter what you think about “gay” sex, your gay acquaintances are gay 24/7/365, not just when they’re messing around. I will relate the story of a bisexual friend of mine, who I will call J, to illustrate that point. He had a friend in high school (who I will call M) to whom he was attracted, in addition to his primary attraction to women. When J finally worked up the courage to reveal that attraction to M (who was completely straight), M asked J a question to the effect of, “this doesn’t mean we can’t talk hockey or football anymore, right?” M’s primary concern was keeping their friendship going, not the sexual attraction J had toward him; when M got the answer back to his question, he learned that the two of them still had all the same common interests. The moral of the story is, nothing at all has to change in a friendship when one of the two comes out — unless the non-gay person wants to change or destroy the friendship for whatever reason.
Rule #6. Any “religious” objections you may have to homosexuality are not welcomed by gay people who have already heard them a million times. Keep them to yourself. Furthermore, do you honestly think you’re going to be the first person to tell a gay friend the things you claim God “says” about them? Believe me, he/she has already heard it from a myriad of sources: perhaps they have parents or extended family who are less than supportive of gay people, or their minister or preacher has hammered the point ad nauseam, or they have overheard teachers and school administrators unthinkingly make cruel comments. Stop beating a dead horse, and keep your “religious” beliefs to yourself.
Rule #7. To the greatest extent you are comfortable, be courageous and take actions that show your unwavering care and concern for gay people and their full dignity and humanity. You need to grow a set of gonads and take a courageous stand in support of your gay acquaintances, and show them that even when nobody else gives a damn about them, you still do. More accurately, your gay acquaintances may literally be dying for you to do so. As shown in Rules #2 and #3, doing this does not make you gay, nor does it mean you have to forgo friendships with other straight people. Yes, a few ignorant “friends” will probably condemn you for it, or try to label you as “gay,” but think about it: are people like that really the kind of friends you want to have? Being supportive of your gay acquaintances also doesn’t mean you have to learn about or like certain sexual activities that you may think are “gay” in nature. (Besides, a lot of heterosexuals engage in the same activities anyway, though some won’t admit it.) At the same time, your gay acquaintance probably isn’t terribly interested in what you do in your car’s back seat with your girlfriend, so it isn’t appropriate for you to go on and on about that either. What you do with your girlfriend is no more right or wrong than what he may do with his boyfriend, as long as all other surrounding factors (such as consent, emotional intimacy, etc.) are equal. This is a topic that is best handled by discussing it with your gay acquaintance and forming a fair, mutual agreement about what sexual activities you are and aren’t willing to talk about. Rule #8. Do not suggest in any way, even implicitly, that your gay acquaintances are choosing to be gay.
Sub-rule #8a. Even if you have difficulties associating with girls, being gay is not “an easy way out.”
Sub-rule #8b. Nobody in their right mind would “choose” to be gay, given all of the prejudice, hatred, and even violence floating around society. Besides, when did you ever “choose” to be heterosexual? What makes you think that the process is any different for your gay acquaintances? It isn’t. The biological and bio-chemical processes that occur during puberty are the same in all males. There may be different levels of certain hormones flowing in the blood for gay teenagers — in fact, one recent long-term study suggests that gay men were exposed to very high levels of testosterone in their mother’s womb — and the reactions to certain scent hormones called “pheromones” trigger different sensory receptors in the brain in gay males, as another study has shown; but in the end, a gay teenager has as little control over what “turns him on” as you have. (Here, people might try to fool you and say that gay men can “turn straight” by only having sex with women; however, this is a lie. A gay boy or man can get an erection, experience pleasure, and even ejaculate from fooling around with a girl or woman; however, this results from the design of the penis, not from a “change” to heterosexuality. That is to say, any source of warm, wet friction on the penis will cause a response up to and including orgasm. In the same way, you most certainly can experience great pleasure and ejaculate if you have any kind of sex with a boy, but again, this happens because that’s what your penis is supposed to do, not because you’re gay.)
Rule #9. Your gay acquaintances are just as capable of accomplishing all the things you can do, assuming similar levels of natural talent and applied effort. As an example, I ran on my high school’s track and field team for four years, despite “knowing” (but not being able to admit) at the time that I was gay. The fact that I was attracted to guys had absolutely nothing to do with my performance on the track. I didn’t have much natural talent, but I worked my butt off and went above and beyond the level of effort that the coaches expected. The point is, I wouldn’t have been able to run any faster than 12.9 seconds in the 100-meter dash if I were straight. One of my teammates (who was straight) was particularly gifted; he could run the 100 in more like 11.2 seconds. Had he been gay, though, he still would have been able to run that fast. By the same token, I can name scores of straight men who are gifted with “perfect pitch” and/or an exceptional singing voice, and plenty of gay men who can’t act, can’t dance, and sound like nails on a chalkboard when they try to sing.
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