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The Nymisms

Oh, r r right. Yup, as if this page being completely updated after four years. Riiiiight.

That Kid

Do of course need to start by talking about that kid. That kid was a simp and a goof who lived on Nym’s hall during the 1999-2000 academic year. Among the many simpish things he did, several stand out. He started by disallowing football rankings that weren’t up to his “standards” in which Penn State is always #1 and Clemson and Michigan both suck. Shortly thereafter, he stole Scott’s woman, even before that relationship was seriously on the rocks. He would go on to make the entire hall smell bad by keeping sour milk in his broken-down refrigerator for a week; finally, in his coup de grace, he got the entire Wolverine Party slate in the 2000 MSA election disqualified by carrying on illegal campaigning activities, namely going through another dorm and bugging people to vote Wolverine.

There is a great amount of legend surrounding the sordid tale of that kid. After his election cheating commenced with MSA, he went on to election cheat in the 2000 Presidential election, causing Bush to end up in the White House. Since that kid of course being a Republican, the entire GOP is now known as “the party of that kid.” There is a “story of that kid,” which is as follows: This is the story of that kid, who smells like a squid, and ran away and hid, after fourteen times election cheat he did. Went to an auction, made a bid; bought something from a guy named Sid, of which the Wolverine Party wanted to be rid. Then went back to his room and slid, on sour milk he kept under the lid; then stepped in front of a bus and made it skid, but the driver never touched the brakes, making him morbid, thus ending our tale which is quite sordid, of that kid, who had a superego but lacked an id; and whose election cheating was quite insipid, and whose methods were quite intrepid. (Note: All of the multi-syllable words rhyming with “kid” are intentionally mispronounced, with emphasis on the last syllable, to play up the rhyming with “kid.”)

However, if you’re not a that kid, and you know Nym, you rule. What do you rule, you may ask? You don’t “rule” anything in particular, like any political domain — you just simply rule. The concept of ruling plays into another important concept, that of “allies and enemies.” In the most basic sense, allies are friends and enemies are non-friends. Back in high school, Nym would publish weekly top-10 lists of allies and enemies; whoever was the #2 ally would always complain vigorously about not being #1. In addition, the “mouse dog” that Nym used to have had the interesting ability to go from allies to enemies and back to allies in a matter of mere seconds.

Of course, there is more to “simp” than just that kid. “Simp” can be used as almost any part of speech, almost anywhere in a sentence. For example, something that is undesirable can be referred to as being “simpish.” If you back out of plans that rule, you can be said to have “simped out.” Finally, you can use it as a verb, as in, “I don’t rightly simp.” Originally, simp was a term used in connection with Nym’s lack of manual dexterity, but as this has become less of an issue over the years, it has evolved into a term better suited to someone like that kid who lacks savoir faire.

Finally, the “mantra of that kid” not only lists those people who are the world’s worst that kids, but also words that are completely interchangeable with “simp”: Simpgoofstoogefoolcurmudgeonthatkidsarahpat’sparentsjonjessicajasonstephen- gordonchrisandrewjenneyjennifermakiboy. Simp, goof, stooge, fool, and curmudgeon were the original five Nymisms, dating from as early as 1988 for simp to as late as the mid-1990s for curmudgeon. The others are all people who have earned inclusion by their that kiddish behavior.

Da U.P.

Nym is of course from da U.P., which makes him a Yooper, eh? Oh yah. Dere are only 250 towsend Yoopers in da whole world — oh yah, dat’s a lotta Yoopers. Most Yoopers hold two tings more sacred den life itself: beer and guns. And of course, dey all root for da Packers; it’s a sad day in da U.P. when da Packers lose. But if any team from da Mitten loses, Yoopers rejoice. Oh yah. Deer ’unting is one of da most revered pastimes in da U.P., and November 15 (da first day of deer season) is like a national ’oliday in da U.P.. Yah, you betcha.

The entire preceding paragraph accurately describes most Yoopers, and their funny accent. To learn the accent, repeated viewing of the movie Fargo is quite helpful; the accent in that film is fairly close to that in da U.P.. To learn the Yooper way of life, I can only suggest getting to know a real live Yooper, eh?

There are many things you will only find in da U.P., and nowhere else — not even in da Mitten. Pasties (pastry shells filled with meat and potato cubes) and cudighi (Italian sausage marinated in brandy) are Yooper soul foods, and largely unavailable outside da U.P.. Da Yoopers Tourist Trap, near Ishpeming, introduces trolls from da Mitten to the geology and lore of Yooperland, and even encourages the downstaters to spend all their money in da U.P.; but at the same time, the trolls are asked not to move to da U.P.. Say yah to da U.P., eh?

Grammatical Changes in Nymisms

Oh, r r right. Yup, Nym and his friends pretty much having their own language. Most other people being completely unable to understand it. Riiiiight.

There are many changes to grammar and language that become necessary when speaking in Nymisms. Many pronouns, especially those that function as the subject of the sentence, are eliminated. Are frequently redundant and unnecessary. Can be left out of the sentence. In some cases, the rule that says that a sentence cannot end with a preposition is violated — but this is perfectly fine, because some people rule the rules. For example, when going somewhere, can ask the hounds if they would like to come with. Do always want to come with, since loving car rides. In still other cases, the correct conjugated form of verbs is not used; the gerundial form is substituted for it, as in the following sentence. Since Nymisms being more optimal, people speaking in them frequently.

It is also not a good idea to eschew obfuscation when using Nymisms. That is to say, should use longer, unwieldy words and phrases where short, simple ones will suffice. You wouldn’t ask somebody if his car was running well; instead, you would ask, “Is your gasoline-powered self-propelled passenger vehicle functioning according to the prescribed protocol?”

Some adjectives and verbs must be doubled, and have the word “man” inserted between their two occurrences. For example, you can’t just “go” somewhere; you have to “go man go” there. If something is crazy or insane, you have to say “crazy man crazy” or “insane man insane.” The words “here” and “there” used to describe location are forbidden; “hya” and “nya” must be substituted. Finally, if you’re going to enjoy a little adult bedtime activity with your significant other, you must refer to this act as “ya know, this and that.”

Additionally, some Nymisms are best left in their original French, such as the famous quote, “Non, Nym, tu n’es pas un goof.” Oh, r r right.

The Tercel

The Tercel is a car of song, story, and legend. Nym himself has this to say about it:

I would definitely be remiss if I didn’t mention my car, a 1985 Toyota Tercel 4wd wagon. 169,000 miles on it, and it still runs like a charm. If that car could talk, oh, the stories it would tell. And it has been offroad a hell of a lot more than all of these urban Explorers and Grand Cherokees could ever dream of.

In the Tercel’s long and storied life, it has seen people who rule doing all of the following: urinating while standing on the rear bumper with the car moving 20 mph on a U.P. back road; nearly getting it on in the back seat; lamenting misfortunes with women; going to Canada to get drunk, and getting lost for an hour in the middle of nowhere near the tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula. Many straight guys who rule have lamented their misfortunes with women while Nym drives around aimlessly (and at least one gay one lamenting his misfortunes with men); this probably accounts for the better part of the Tercel’s 169,000 miles.

Because of the Tercel’s ruling powers, it doesn’t even require four-wheel-drive on rocky, muddy snowmobile trails. Since does have sufficient ground clearance, can clear obstacles that other less-ruling vehicles can’t. And of course, if road starts to get bad, can use 4WD and almost literally take the Tercel anywhere.

At this point, you can now say that you rule.